Monday, October 16, 2023

1 in 4.

Only my closest friends and family know this but... I am 1 in 4. 

Let's rewind back to September 2022. I made the decision to get my IUD removed and hopes to start trying for another child. My doctor.. who delivered Vinny and had been my regular gynecologist for two years following did warn me that it could take months even years to conceive. Well surprise.. less then two weeks later I was pregnant. I remember messaging her through the chart notes that I was so surprised and excited how quickly it happened. We got the 8 week appointment scheduled and then I would just wait. I was soooo hungry. Like worse then I was with either of the boys and I joked that I hoped it wasn't twins. October rolled around and I had my appointment. The baby was so active already and even you could see what looked like a little arm or hand 'waving'. She confirmed it was only one baby (thank goodness) and I left so happy that everything was good and baby was healthy. The next few weeks were rough between opening the new store front, the boys getting excited for all the upcoming holiday's on top of all the pregnancy feels. This time around I wasn't really getting sick- but definitely felt the nauseas feelings. 

Halloween went by quickly. I had to hide the pregnancy at my cousin's wedding with lots of shirley temples and ginger ales and then came Thanksgiving. I was so busy with the store, that the weeks flew by.  I was planning our annual cousins cookie exchange and was so excited to tell everyone since I would be having my 13 weeks scans the next day. We were all so excited and everyone was hoping it would be a girl. 

December 5.. 

I woke up so annoyed. Even though my mom had taken the boys to bring them to school I still had to get up so early for the doctor's appointment. It was suppose to be at our local hospital that was only 5 minutes, if that away.. instead I had to travel on the worst highway that was always backup up at rush hour. I got to the medical center and Joe met me. I had to park in the parking garage so far away and again- was just so annoyed. The doctor was late taking us and I just wanted to be done with it. 

We got called back and the sonographer began. Joe and I joked because it looked like the baby was hiding and I said they were being so stubborn already! There was silence. I thought the audio wasn't on...

I will never forget the look I got. The sadness this women had for me when she looked into my eyes. Simply saying ' I'm gonna get the doctor to review, but I don't wanna surprise you. I don't hear a heartbeat.' My eyes teared up. I thought there must be something wrong with the equipment. I think I might have been in shock. The doctor came in and I just knew. He didn't even really look, instead started apologizing and talking about the next steps..

They told us to take as much time as we needed. But I didn't need any time. I just wanted to get the hell out of there. My first thought is what I was gonna tell my mom? My best friend was waiting for me to deliver her the gender envelope for the reveal. What am I suppose to tell them? What am I suppose to tell everyone I've shared this with? I'm not an overly emotional person. But I felt myself go dark. Like sometime changed in me that day. And I don't know if I'll ever get it back. 

We left.. Joe told me to go home. But I couldn't- the cleaning lady was there. I didn't wanna go to my mom's, because that would make it worst. I went to my car and cried. I knew I had to call them.. I called my mom first. She cried. I cried. She wanted to me come there or meet her for coffee. But I stopped crying and said I had to go to work. I hung up and called my best friend Amy. But what does someone say to you when you tell them your baby is dead. I didn't know what to do, so like I said I was gonna do, I went to my office. I called my friend Patti and asked her to give the others a heads up. AKA I knew it was gonna be a big deal, but I didn't want people asking me how it went and getting all excited. It was rough. I never cry and here I am like a blubbering asshole crying every time someone said how sorry they were. I stuck it out. I stayed until around 4 and decided it was time to go home and face the boys.

My amazon packages were on the counter when I got there. 3 pairs of new maternity leggings and the baby 'elf on the shelves' for our gender reveal. I didn't even open them. I went to the app and hit return. I honestly don't even know if I sent them back or threw them out. I poured the remaining wine from the party the day before into a glass. I just kept saying it was for the best. Everything happens for a reason. The doctor briefly mentioned it looked like the baby's spine was really curved which could be a sign of downs.. maybe this was for the best. Not like I wouldn't love and do everything for the baby, but I couldn't imagine going full term and then loosing them. 

The next week day I decided to take the day off. I had doctors appointments to schedule and my girlfiend thought a trip to the mall for some christmas shopping would help. It did.. We went to lunch and shopping and didn't really talk about it. It kept my mind off of it for at least a little. The week dragged on. Friday I had an event at Joey's school and had to tell the other mom's I was close with what happened. Again, they all felt sorry for me. I had a follow up with my regular OB and to sign all the waivers for my D&C that would be on Monday. 

That weekend was a blur. I know Joe tried to keep my mind busy. We had Santa deliver presents to the house in the morning on the firetruck and then we went to Main Street in Bethlehem during the day and on a carriage ride through town. Sunday we brought the boys to my parents and went to a nicer dinner. 

Monday morning we had to check in early. Every nurse was so empathetic towards me. When I was in the OR, my doctor told me I was apologizing to everyone for having to be there for me. Typical me fashion! We were there only a few hours from check in until recovery. I don't remember driving home. When we did get home, I went to bed for what felt like 5 minutes and my mom came over. I had to pee so bad but it burned so I didn't wanna do it. I was also starving and even though they told me not to, I ate rice. I of course through it up. My cramps were so bad, it was like I was having contractions. They ordered my medicine for it, but it was sold out at every local pharmacy. Like whattt? so I dealt with it. I got through the day with lots of OTC pain meds and heating pads. The cramps weren't as bad the next day, but still was so achy. I didn't want anyone to stay with me that day and I wanted to pick Joey up form school to keep as usual as normal. 

I only cry alone, mostly in the shower. The more people I tell about it, the more common I find it is. 

I worked from home the rest of that week, since I was still bleeding so much and didn't wanna have to deal with that at the office. I was going stir crazy not being around people though. I went back to work the following week. Test results came through and nothing was out of the normal. So there was no closure. No one knows why my baby died. A few weeks went by and I had a follow up with my doctor. I told her that if she knew the gender to only tell me if she thinks I wanted to know aka if it was a boy.. she said she didn't find out, so unclear if she was lying and didn't want me to know or if she really didn't find out at that appointment. 

I was semi back to normal- I mean as normal as you can be after going through that. Christmas came fast and trying to get all the things done really took my mind off it. On Christmas eve, I ran out to an antique store to pick up something. When I was walking around, there sitting on a shelf was the most perfect angel baby statue. It was like a sign. I had to get it. It had a little blue sash on it, so I thought that was god's way of telling me it was a boy.  

Right after the holiday's is Vinny's birthday, so I still was busy. About a month after the procedure I had a message in my chart come through. I opened it without even thinking, because I thought everything was already processed. I opened up the message and in the first line it said TEST RESULTS: normal FEMALE chromosomes found. It was a girl.. and this is how I found out. All those emotions I put behind me came flooding back. 

Honestly, this is a very raw post for me. I've started writing and deleted numerous times. But, this time of year the memories of the excitement of being pregnant come flooding back. I joke all the time that I truly hate being pregnant. Being sick, giving up some things which make 9 months seem like an eternity, and then the pain you go through. But I would go through it all again, just to have the benefits of bringing your little one home. 

I don't share my story for sympathy. Actually the complete opposite. I want to share that if you are going through this- you are NOT ALONE! It still amazes me how common this is and you prolly know more people then you think that have been through this too. 

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